Pássaros e as Abelhas
by RomaniaBites
Summary: Teenage Antonio learns about the birds and the bees from his awkward older brother! Simple, right? Eh. Maybe.  Spamano. T for language and innuendo.


**Pássaros e as Abelhas**

It. Is. Time.

It's the day.

The day he's been dreading for a long time now. Ever since his parents left him in charge of his little (stupid) brother. Ever since he figured out he'd have to raise the boy _himself_. Fuck, he saw this coming years_ before_ the moron was even_ born_!

Okay, maybe not...he _hadn't_ wanted a little brother, so he was more than devastated when he_ got_ one.

But still.

Today...he will give his baby_ irmão_...

...the Talk.

Cue gasps!

That's right, bitches. He's seventeen-years-old. He's single. He hasn't had any sex himself, and now he has to explain the fucking process to a slow-as-fuck ninth-grader who doesn't even like girls.

Oh, God, that was one conversation he never wanted to have to sit through again.

_"So, Toni, that blonde chick you were talking to..."_

_"Oh! You mean Bella? Sí! She's a good friend!"_

_"Just a friend? Didn't look like that to me, ya little player."_

_"Player? We weren't playing any games, Alva. We were just talking about chocolate!"_

_"Oh, forget it. You're fucking hopeless..."_

_"Uwaaa! You're not supposed to say swear words, hermano! It's bad~"_

_"Pfft. Whatever. So if she isn't your girlfriend, who is?"_

_"Girlfriend? Eww, no! That's gross! I don't like **girls**..."_

_"Eh? Really? Are you really **too** stupid to hit puberty?"_

_"No! Besides, I don't wanna girlfriend. I want **Lovi**~!"_

And everything went downhill from there. Because, you know, Alvarez was well aware who Lovi was. Like, for example, that Lovi was a potty mouth worse than himself, and that Lovi was the child of Roma, one of their long-time neighbors, and that Lovi was Antonio's best friend.

And of course, the fact that Lovi was a fucking _boy_.

So he'd found out his brother's sexuality that day, too. After that, he completely stopped making comments regarding the boy's peers. Lesson learned.

Oh, God. That's another factor; not only will he have to explain the birds and the bees to Antonio, but he'll also have to throw in the _gay_ version of that to match his brother's _preference_. Because really, it would just be fucking awkward for Alvarez to have to apologize to Lovino when fucktarded Tonio questions where exactly his—_thing_—goes in the first time the two decide to go that far.

He'd rather avoid that at all costs; Lovi is _not_ someone you want to fuck with, especially if it comes to something as important as sex and Antonio.

Another lesson he learned quite painfully.

"_Hermano_? Why are we sitting on the couch?"

Back to the present time...

"Because I need to fucking tell you about something..."

Hey, nobody said he has to be nice about it.

Because he won't. He doesn't even like the little fucker! If he had been allowed to send the boy away via UPS seven years ago, when they were both abandoned, then he would've done so already. To him, Antonio was—and always will be—the very bane of his existence. There has been way too much constant fighting between them to overlook. In fact, they can't grow any closer than simply roommates. Not even friends. It's just _that bad_.

But fuck, roommates don't do this shit, do they?

"So, Toni..." Damn it. What the hell do you say in this position? "Uhm..." _Shit._ He knew he should've rehearsed this!

"¿_Sí_...?"

Well, fuck. "Have you been feeling horny lately?"

He's never really liked beating around the bushes anyway.

_"¿Q-qué?"_ Antonio's emerald eyes widen in surprise. But he doesn't look particularly _horrified_. He cocks his head to the side slightly and frowns. "I don't think I have horns, Alvarez."

"Oh, for the love of—" The older teen jumps to his feet and throws his hands up in exasperation "_Toni_...Okay, have you ever had the urge to fuck someone?"

"Huh? Isn't that a bad word? How do you bad word another person?"

_"Fuck!"_ cried Alvarez dramatically, making wild hand-gestures with some enthusiasm, "You know! You wanna _screw_ them and, and—"

"Wouldn't that hurt? And wouldn't I need a wretch?"

_Damn_ these innocent little brothers from hell. "Antonio, do you even know what screw means?"

"Uhm..."

_Figures._

"It means you want to have sex with someone," the Portuguese boy sighs, crossing his arms and finally sitting back down. He rubs his temples in slow circles and is oddly reminded of his best friend, Arthur, whenever he has to explain something to that little American boy that likes to follow him around. Ah, good times...

"What's that?"

"What's _what_?"

"Six...?"

You have _got_ to be fucking kidding. "Sex! _SEX_, Antonio!"

"_Ay_! Don't yell." The Spanish boy pouts and squirms in his seat on the couch. When he looks up, his face is visibly troubled. "Is _Hermano_ gonna tell me what it is?"

"Back to the third person thing, aren't we?" But nonetheless, Alvarez lets out a deep breath and rests his elbows on his knees, leaning forward so that he can gaze evenly at his younger brother. "Let's make this quick, yes? Well, sex is basically when you take your..._this_," he motions vaguely to his crotch with an eye-roll, feeling faint heat spreading to his face in embarrassment, "and put it in...a woman's..._that_, and well, you get her pregnant and she has babies. The end. Good night."

"Huh? Babies?" Okay, now he just sounds confused. Probably didn't see that coming.

"Yeah, but there's a lot of technical stuff, so don't worry about that. All you need to know is that it feels_ reeaally_ good and boys your age always wanna do it even if that's not a very terrific idea, blah, blah, _blah_..."

Alvarez figures that his little speech is sufficient enough to keep Toni _somewhat_ aware without knowing_ all_ the dirty details. He stretches, yawning, and proceeds to lie down on the couch adjacent to the one his awestruck irmão's at. Just as he shuts his eyes for a well-deserved nap, said little brother clambers to his side and pokes his cheek.

After swatting him off, Alvarez mumbles, "What?"

"So is sex something I can do with anyone?"

"No...only married people do that..." What? He can be a very moral man if he wants to! Just because he's seventeen and in high school doesn't mean he's going to encourage that kind of behavior. What is he, a pimp? Not to a fourteen-year-old, at least. Tonio better be fucking_ grateful_...

"Ah, I get it! I can only have sex with my _esposo_!"

"_Sí_. Now fuck off and let me sleep."

"Okay! _Gracias, hermano_!" And so, with a final peck on the cheek, which Alvarez whacks him on the head for, Antonio scurries off, giggling like a madman.

"I'm such an amazing brother," sighs the tired teenager before drifting off into dreamland.

For now, he enjoys the tranquility and satisfaction of a job well-done (as far as he knows). As he rests, a content smile rests on his handsome face.

Little does he know that he will soon wake up to the sounds of the front door slamming open, footsteps running up the stairs, and yells of, "BASTARD! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF?" and "Because, Lovi, married people have sex~"

Shit. He knew he forgot to mention the gay alternatives.

He hopes his brother uses lube.

* * *

><p><strong>Google Translate is amazing.<strong>

**irmão - brother (Portuguese)**

**hermano - brother (Spanish)**

**que - what? (Spanish)**

**esposo - spouse (Spanish) I'm kinda iffy on this, though.**

**And the title? **Pássaros e as Abelhas** - Birds and the Bees (Portuguese)**

**LOL.**

**As for Portugal's name, I just kinda went along with the crowd and chose Alvarez. I mean, it kinda works, right?**

**And yes, I do think that he hates Antonio's guts, even if Toni's trying to be nice now. I mean, Spain and Portugal had lots of fights in history.**


End file.
